We talk about the fight like it’s our life.
And in some ways, it is. It’s all we know. The fight against evil, the fight against monsters, the fight against ourselves. It can become everything because it can mean everything, mean life or death, for better or worse. The war consumes us until it becomes who we are.
But sometimes, no matter how long or hard we fight, no matter how much we need or deserve to win, sometimes we don’t. Sometimes we lose. We have to live with that. And sometimes that’s a fight all on its own.
Everyone talks about the fight. The victory.
Nobody talks about the loss.
The after.
Perhaps the best entry in the series
“This book is truly one of a kind. It deals with trauma and grief in the most realistic yet interesting way: everything is ended in a satisfying, gut wrenching, profound way.”
So intense and well done
“Such a good story line–everyone needs to know Arie’s story”
My daughter is OBSESSED
“My daughter begged for this because she’s read the rest of the series and she couldn’t put it down”
Playlist
Writing this last book was a very emotional experience that required me to do a lot of soul reflecting and spilling out my guts. While I value the raw honesty of writing and of the last chapter in Arie’s story, it can be hard for me to get to the place I need to in order for the meaning to come through the words. Music not only inspired the story but inspired me to find the truth of what I was saying and be brave enough to write it down.
- I Will Return by Skylar Grey
- Skinny Love by Birdy
- Imaginary by Evanescence
- No Angel by Birdy
- Heavy In Your Arms by Florence + the Machine
- Misguided Ghosts by Paramore
- Alive by Sia
- Look What You Made Me Do by Taylor Swift
- Author’s note: aka Vanessa’s theme song
- Say Something (feat. Christina Aguilera) by A Great Big World
- Haunted by Maty Noyes
- Sometimes by Skillet
- Battle Cry by Imagine Dragons
- Warriors by Imagine Dragons
- Not Gonna Die by Skillet
- This Is War by 30 Seconds to Mars
- Never Surrender by Skillet
- Paradise by Coldplay
- People Help The People by Birdy
- Hallelujah by Kate Voegele
- If I Die Young by The Band Perry
- What I’ve Done (Acoustic Version) by Marie Digby
- Even My Dad Does Sometimes by Ed Sheeran
- I See Fire by Ed Sheeran
- Author’s note: I listened to these two Ed Sheeran songs on repeat while writing the memorial scene, and it was one of the few times I’ve actually cried real tears as I wrote. I like to think ‘I See Fire’ was like the song they sang when encircled around the fire
- Here With Me by Susie Suh & Robot Koch
- Million Years Ago by Adele
- All Too Well by Taylor Swift
- the words by Christina Perri
- Come Home by OneRepublic and Sara Bareilles
- Author’s note: this is the song I was listening to when I came up with the ending of the series. I was still writing the first book and it was about four years before I wrote the finale
I didn’t know how long I’d been staring at the wall. At least a few hours, probably, without stopping. I’d gotten really really good at it.
A slight shiver went through my body, making me tighten the blanket around me and huddle closer to the generator. The air was hot and sticky. It was hard to breathe. It made my lungs a little sore. Or maybe I was just imagining it.
Does it really matter? Probably not.
I still had a few hours, I guessed, until it was dark and the Compound went to sleep. The late night hours were the only times I left the second floor of the maintenance building—even then, it was only by necessity. The newly sanctioned night guards were ordered to not play nice if they caught anyone wandering around past curfew, but I didn’t want to leave anyway.
The seconds ticked by and I counted each one. Two. Three. Twenty. Four hundred and ninety-seven. Nothing to do, nothing to say, nothing to think. Just me and my blanket and the wall. And the generator. Couldn’t forget the generator. I had to think of a name for that thing. It was big and powerful. Maybe Caesar? No, that just made me think of pizza. Alexander? Ivan? Was I looking for a good connotation or a bad one? Probably a good one. True, the generator had burned me on multiple occasions, but that had been my fault. It kept me warm. I could always count on it being there. Maybe Steve. Roger? They sounded like nice guys.
Then I realized I was trying to name a generator.
Should I be concerned about that? Probably not. There was nobody here to judge me besides Steve and he seemed like the forgiving type. It was good to have a friend like Steve.
Steve was good for a lot of things, but keeping track of time wasn’t one of them. How many days had I been in here? He didn’t know. Neither did I, though I guessed about two or three weeks. All I knew was that Cyrus had let me live on the condition that I wasn’t seen by anyone else. I accepted the terms at the time. Now I often wondered what would happen if I wandered out into the open during the day and let the world see me. How fast would he kill me? Did speed really matter as long as the result was the same?
I never did though. Part of me knew Cyrus was bluffing. I’d survived his little key extraction process despite his prediction I wouldn’t. He was still baffled by that. So was I. I was the farthest he’d ever gotten with a key, but he didn’t know what that meant or where it left me. He’d taken the key essence—whatever that meant—out of me. Was I still infected? Was I still the key somehow? What if he needed me at some point in the future? I didn’t know what for and I didn’t think he did either. Regardless, I was his insurance policy. He was too careful to let me go too soon, just in case.
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